Premenantly Seesed

This blog is over due to legal mumbo jumbo! To hear more about it please visit my new blog:

www.somuchrabies.blogspot.com

Celeb Feud: Rose Vs. Fanning

Vs


Celebs are better than us. It's a fact. Without a shadow of a doubt, the more famous you are, the more people who remember your name, the more times you appear in history books, docu-dramas and E!Hollywood Stories, the better you are as a human being. Now this is all very well and good when comparing famous people to the likes of Tom, Dick and Harold, if a celebrity has a dispute with a regular person, say for instance a student claims to have been raped by a Premier League football player, then we can say for a fact that the football player's version of the truth is the correct one.

The problem occurs when two stars of equal or similar value have a falling out. Big success spawns big egos, and when two titans of high-profile celebrity clash, it truly can be a clash fit for a clash of the titans. It is in these circumstances that we see, the most potentially destructive of beasts - The Celeb Feud.

Celeb Feuds can be started from seemingly nothing. A brief disagreement over a guitar solo can tear bands apart beneath the weight of musician's egos. A misplaced comment or roll of the eyes can send an actor spiralling into a deep-seated rage-depression. A false smile, a bad review, a glance in another direction, all of these have inspired long-running hatred in some of Hollywood's elite.

And today is no different. In the red corner we have the sultan of high-pitched, progressively unimpressive hair rock, Axl Rose! In the blue corner we have the pint-sized princess of Hollywood, Dakota Fanning! Celeb Feud commence!

Reports are vague, but the feud is said to have started at a Halloween party hosted by Christian Bale. Guests have reported that it all began with an off-the-cuff comment from Fanning, joking about the recent wave of criticism towards the Guns n' Roses front man for several late appearances on stage. Unfortunately it seems that Rose was in the vicinity and took offense, telling Fanning to come back when she had the best selling debut album of all time. Guests say that Dakota tried to pacify the dread-locked demigod numerous times, but was repeatedly antagonised by Rose. When she suggested that her own accomplishments, in particular being the youngest performer to receive a nomination for a Screen Actor's Guild Award at seven years old, were of note, Axl left the party.

It is said that Rose returned, intoxicated and possibly high on illegal drugs, and claimed that he was going to "Thief [her] accolade". Whilst most people presumed it was a heat of the moment comment, Guns n' Roses record label Geffen, have since released several press statements regarding the aging rockers intentions to become the youngest person nominated for a Screen Actor's Guild Award.

"I don't even want a SAGA," Rose claimed. "I don't even want that piece of shit award, I just want to be nominated for a SAGA ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-yeeeeeaaaah. People are talking shit about me all over and being the youngest person nominated for a SAGA will maybe show everyone that this guy isn't a push over no more sha-na-na-naaaaaw yeeeeeah yeeeeeah."

Dakota Fanning has denied requests to speak out against the rock star, but has said on her online Internet blog:

"Axl Rose is forty eight years old. He doesn't seem to understand why he can't take my place in that award. He seems to have only a basic grasp of the entire aging process. I mean, look at his dreadlocks."

When pushed to comment on whether or not the two were engaging in an official Celeb Feud, Dakota looked into the distance for a long time, grimaced, perhaps at an imaginary Axl Rose on the horizon, and said: "It's on!" We'll keep you posted.

Seig Whoopheil!

It's Monday, and that means it's the start of a whole new Rabid Celeb News week! What's been happening since Friday?

The big shock on everyone's lips is the first press release concerning upcoming blockbuster shocker "Was, wenn Hitler eine schwarze Frau war?". German second tier production studio Autoban has been releasing tid-bits of information in little tid-bits, bit by bit over the Internet, but last night Karl Ottomas, the head of the studio unleashed the first full press release.

It seems that both the full title (confirmed to be the rumored "Was, wenn Hitler eine schwarze Frau war?"), a plot synopsis, and a preliminary cast list have all been disclosed. So, what is the big movie masterpiece of next year all about? My German is limited, but dedicated to bringing you the cutting edge news first, I have attempted to piece as much of the information together as possible, and translated it to the best of my ability.

Was, wenn Hitler eine schwarze Frau war? (What if Hitler was a black woman?) is the story of Adolph Hitler, retold retrospectively as if he had been a black woman instead of a Austrian man. Karl Ottomas claims that the film will be "shocking, to cause upset the most of, black heraldry, ancestors of make unacceptable." The plot begins with Alois Hitler (Ron Pearlman) and Klara Plozl (Fergie from Black Eyed Peas), dealing with the news that they are to sire the most horrific dictator of all time. When Hitler is born a black woman nine months later, both her parents are stunned. There is then either an explosion or an apple-sauce, my German isn't good enough to tell which, and a fully grown Hitler (Whoopi Goldberg) wakes up in a bunker as the allies march on Berlin. The movie promises to deliver action, romance and thrills for all the something I can't translate. What other surprises are in store? Well from what I can gather, the crux of the film lies in a scene where, as a woman, Hitler has no testicle to be shot off in World War I, and how this ultimately leads to a Nazi victory.

Whilst the rest of the cast have stayed pretty quiet about the film, a friend of Whoopi had this to say:

"Whoopi takes acting very seriously, as you can see from her role in Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. When she was approached by Autoban to take part in this project she was delighted, because she has been only asked to play herself for close to fifteen years now. Literally, in sitcoms and stuff."

We all know that a bad film can wreck an actresses career, thankfully Whoopi doesn't really have too much to worry about. Other cast members that have been confirmed are Skin from Skunk Anansie as Baby Hitler, and Stephen Fry as Goebells.

Also:

Frank Skinner gaining weight? Yes, says his doctor.

Take That reunion tour? Possibly in the pipeline!

Ant and Dec to return to the stage names P.J. and Duncan? If rumour is to be believed!

Skin from Skunk Anansie, definitely one of my favourite celebs, even though in Rabid News Reporter Part One, I claimed all of them were my favourite.

Rabid Celeb REPORTER 2!

Part two of a series of questions, asked by me, answered by me.

Q. How old are you and where do you live?

A. I prefer not to answer personal questions about myself online, as I believe they could be held against me and used at a later date. Suffice to say I live in the South of the United Kingdom in a place where it is illegal to keep bats in a house, but the police and council are too brow-beaten to do anything about it. Likewise, I am old enough to be married and have a child, but young enough to be beaten up by my son.

Q. Do you really have rabies?

A. Yes, as previously mentioned, it's a bloody nightmare.

Q. What first got you involved in !Hot Celeb News!

A. I first became interested in celebrity at school, when Luke Vernham took a stool on the story time carpet. Luke was the king of year two after that. People wanted to be him, and there were so many copy-cat stoolings that the caretaker had to stop drinking in his cupboard for twenty minutes to rip the carpet up and put in laminate flooring. From that day forward I had an interest in !Hot Celeb News! and how fame affected people. In Luke Vernham's case, fame went to his head and he attempted a similar feet in junior school and was forced into the spec reta special-class. He died tragically in year five when one of those ones that's stupid, but really strong, caved his head in with a filing cabinet after a misunderstanding about who was the best member of Bros.

Q. Is your day job centered around Celebrity?

A. No.

Q. Or writing?

A. No.

Q. Or chlorine levels?

A. Yes. I refuse to go into detail, but my day job involves monitoring and maintaining the chlorine levels at a place in the town where I live. I refuse to say what type of place it is, but it is a common leisure activity, and there is one in most cities and towns.

Q. At the bottom of the page there is a picture of a dog you have labelled "My nemesis - fuck you Lazarus!" Who are your other enemies?

A. I like to get on with everyone, but Brangelina, Luke Vernham, sometimes my son, my neighbour and her boyfriend (ex?), Mr. Campbell - the chief lifeguard at work, and the heads of personnel at Hello, Vogue, Take A Break Magazine and Night and Day.

Q. Do you really own the copyright to all the images on your blog?

A.

Q. Can I follow your blog?

A. Yes! Feel free! Just click the follow link on the right hand side of the page!

Q. How can I get in contact?

A. Please send all mail to RabidCelebNews@gmail.com

Q. Will it be really you who answers?

A. Yes, unless I make suggestive comments or tell you in detail about problems I have pooing or weeing whilst I sleep. If your reply contains those things then it is probably from my son, masquerading as me.

That's all for now! See you in two days!

Fizz Bang

"Remember, remember the fifth of November! Gunpowder, sparklers and plot!" - Poem.

That's right, it's the fifth of November, which means that here in the UK we celebrate Guy Fawkes night. If you're an American, and the celebration is foreign to you, imagine Thanksgiving but everyone has to go to work, and there's no game on, and instead of a nice meal you eat a hot-dog that's been cooked on top of the engine of some guys car, then prepared on top of a public toilet cistern. If you love standing in the cold listening to the Star Wars theme tune crackling through a broken tannoy system, then Firework night could be for you!

We celebrate this ancient tradition to remember and pour shame upon the tragic figure of Guy Fawkes, a man who was so cross with the way in which the country was being handled, he attempted to explode the houses of parliament when all the parliamentalists were inside. It didn't work though, and Guy Fawkes was done in. We celebrate his monumental failure by setting off fireworks (think forth of July), playing movie themes over public address systems (think air shows) and burning fake people on huge fires (think the founding of your nation).

So, on this, the most Fawksiest of nights, what are the stars plans?

Daniel Day Lewis: "There will be fireworks!"

Cilla Black: "There's gonna be a lorra lorra fireworks!"

Billy Joel: "We didn't start the fire, our neighbours did! They have a bigger garden and use bonfire night as an excuse to burn all the old dry twigs that fall off their trees in the Autumn winds. Also our neighbour is an up town girl."

Me? I'm not doing much, just staying in and checking the fire-alarms are working, safe and happy in the quiet knowledge that the year before last, the fireworks upset Lazarus so much that he made stool all over the kitcehn floor of my neighbours house and she had to come and borrow an entire roll of kitchen roll from my house to clean it up. Well this time I will pretend not to be home for even longer!

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Pet Peeves!

Celebs have a tough old time. Their millions of pounds, and instant recognizability are great, but imagine being held responsible for everything you do! If a celeb messes up, it's not swept under the carpet like it is for you and I, it's pulled through the tabloids and they are forced to pay the repercussions (unless its gang rape or drink driving). Under the constant watchful eye of hungry vultures like yours truly, sometimes Celebs find it hard to know who to trust, but there is one friend who will always have time for them - the faithful celeb pet!

That's right! Whether it's Paris Hilton's Handbag-bound little pup, or the bear in Liam Gallagher's shed, sometimes Celeb pets cause controversy. For today's Theme Thursday, we look at the top five controversial celebrity pets.

5.Michael Score's Flock of Seagulls

Scraping in at number five comes lead-singer and front man of the 80's new wave band, A flock of Seagulls. I imagine you can see where this is going. Believe it or not, Mike Score does indeed lay claim to a flock of seagulls which have been nesting in the Norfolk area for the past ten years. Some believe Score's pets are a natural occurance wherever sand meets sea meets pollution, but others are less happy.

"They are a menace!" local man, Arthur Lidge (81) told us. "They are noisy, dirty and ugly. One time that mop-top's menagerie set on a kid with an ice cream and scared the poor little mite half to death. Another time one of them died and fell in the sea. If I see someone feeding them scraps of chips, or dropping crumbs along the beach I get rather cross. Sometimes I simply walk away, but other times I have gone so far as to suck my bottom lip into my mouth, lick my top lip, shake my head and lick my top lip again whilst mumbling in an ambiguously motivated manner."

Strong words. But what does Lidge think is the answer?

"If Mike Score from A Flock of Seagulls wants to own them birds, he'd better start acting like a proper pet owner. I insist he takes out pet insurance on each and every one, and buys long leather leads to fasted around their little necks. That way he can tether them to a metal pole in his garden, and the only house what's going to be shit all on is that giant mansion shaped like a haircut that he lives in.

Seagulls.

4.Naomi Campbell's Moose

She may not get out of bed for less than a million dollars, but don't mistake Campbell for being lazy. When she's not too busy walking and standing on the catwalk, or accepting blood diamonds from warlords, Campbell tends to one of the most time-consuming celeb pets ever, a 900lb Canadian moose! The moose, named Gatsby after F. Scot Fitzgerald's masterpiece, is a huge, magnificent beast with wide antlers and funny little stick legs. Not everyone finds him as endearing as we do however. Recently, Campbell's neighbours have issued a series of threatening letters, detailing what will happen to Gatsby if he continues to barge through the fence separating their homes, and insists on eating from their plum tree.

"They sign the letters with a question mark like they are all mysterious," Campbell told friends, "but theirs is the only other house for half a mile, and they have a plum tree. Also one time I saw her putting it through my letterbox whilst she was walking the dog."

The letters claim that if the plum-eating continues, the neighbours will be forced to purchase a Siberian tiger, a moose's most powerful natural predator.

"Let them get their fucking tiger," says Campbell. "I'll get a Siberian tiger's greatest predator - a Russian Zoo, then they'll probably get a Russian Zoo's greatest predator which is probably the RSPCA or something. I'll have to get a general sense of apathy and concerns that maybe the money could be better spent on helping children."

The 900lb Moose

3.Lady Gaga's Ghost Dog

No stranger to the world of shock and horror, Lady Gaga has now purchased perhaps the most exotic pet in the list, a ghost dog. The ghost dog, named Washington was a birthday gift to the star from fellow celebrity and fellow weirdo, Derek Acorah.

"Lady says that Washington comes from the 13th Century or something, I think she said he's Italian. I can't see him but my husband can, I can just hear him sniffing around, and occasionally all our breath turns visible."

Even an invisible dog can be a problem though as Lady Gaga has taken to taking the ectoplasmic mutt with her when she goes shopping. The local shopping district near the star's Chester home, have taken to putting an additional sign in the window saying "No Ghost Dogs", but the star will not listen.

"She's welcome to tie the little fella up outside whilst she comes in, either that or she can leave him at home, but we can't let him in. She moans that he's invisible to most people and can't obstruct anything, but that's not the point. Firstly, it would be unfair to those people who choose to have living dogs, and secondly, all food and drink produce rot when he walks past, and sometimes blood pours from the walls. Washington's a lovely little chap, but I can't afford that!"

This was the first image I could find of a ghost dog.

2. Sigourney Weaver's Weevil

Information on this one is scarce, but it is said that Sigourney, star of the Alien movie franchise, has adopted a Weevil named Uwe (Oo-Vay). Weevils, long hated for their destruction of cottons and fabric crops prior to the widespread use of DDT, are potentially the next big thing in terms of pets.

"They're quiet," Sigourney told reporters at the Avatar premier earlier this year. "They don't make much mess. Easy to look after. If they die you probably wont notice for quite a while, and when you do you can always get another one!"

Another one indeed, many weevil experts believe that the Uwe seen on Weaver's shoulder at a recent charity event, may be the fifth, or even sixth incarnation of her not so cuddly little pal. Scandalous!

I literally just threw up in my mouth a little bit, and I couldn't swallow it back down so I just sort of drooled it out onto the floor.

1. My Neighbour's Bats

She isn't a celebrity, but in terms of controversy you can't get much better. My neighbour has been keeping a whole load of foreign bats in her house for her boyfriend (possibly now ex?) and as a result, a really nice local man contracted rabies from her dog, who in turn probably got it from the bats if Wikipedia is to be believed.

The boyfriend doesn't seem to be an academic, though I only saw him a few times, so we doubt that the bats are for studying, rather he probably thinks they are cool. We are talking about a man who drives a motorcycle some days, and an old sports car on other days and wears a leather jacket in the summer, and sunglasses in the winter. This charming individual also once ignored my mum when she was trying to bring a lot of heavy cooking wear into my house around Christmas 2007, when he could easily have offered to help. Monster or just lost his way? You decide!

Sometimes this is the view through her window.

The end.

Moore Money, Moore Problems

What's the best thing about running around the park for hours at a time? I'll tell you what! It's the fact that you feel like you might be sweating out a load of your rabies, even when you know that you aren't. What's the worst thing about running around the park for hours at a time? It makes you really sleepy! I'm only going to briefly summarize the points I was told about this next rumor, and tell them to you with little or no improvement or alteration.

Here's the deets.

Roger Moore went to a party.

Roger Moore got drunk.

Roger Moore told everyone he was Roger Moore for a bit. Everyone agreed that this was okay.

Roger Moore got more drunk.

Roger Moore started insisting he was James Bond. This was less okay.

Roger Moore proceeded to drink.

Several members of the party began to feel uncomfortable.

There was an altercation in a cloak room.

Roger Moore befouled a pot-plant.

Roger Moore was asked to leave.

Roger Moore did leave.

Roger Moore returned, screaming the theme tune to The Saint, and insisting he was Simon Templar.

Roger Moore was escorted from the premises by assorted boyfriends and husbands.

Roger Moore was seen fighting a swan at a park.

That's it.

I thought up a really funny cation to this whilst I was running earlier, but whether from exhaustion or dehydration caused from hours of running without drinking anything, I've forgotten it.