Rabid Celeb REPORTER!

Greetings from the internet, my name is Rabid Celeb Reporter, and I am the author of RabidCelebNews, the blog for people who like hearing !HOT CELEB NEWS! first. Like God, I too need a lay in on Sundays, and apart from extreme emergencies (like if somebody dies, or it's Ghostmas day), the RabidCelebNews blog will take a break each Sunday. Also like God however, I too want a day to show off and be selfish.

Each Saturday I will be affording small glimpses into my own life with blogs about the next biggest celebrity, yours truely and absolutely! What will I talk about? Who knows! How much will I say? It depends! When do we want it? Now!

So, for the first Saturday, about me section, I present a brief Q&A in which I ask myself questions, and then answer them.

Q: Hello?

A: Pleased to meet you.

Q: What are your main influences?

A: Hello magazine, Take a Break, My wife and grown up son, King Arthur, Clark Kent.

Q: Clark Kent? Don't you mean Superman?

A: No I don't. Superman is boastful and a show off, I'm modest and altruistic like Clark Kent, Superman's secret identity.

Q: Who are your favorite Celebrities

A: All of them except Brangelina, she's horrible.

Q: Do you really have rabies?

A: Yes and it's a bloody nightmare.

Q: How did you get it?

A: My next door neighbor's Alsatian bit me during a game of wrestling that I thought was all in good fun. Lazarus (the Alsatian) was wagging his tail, so I thought he was enjoying himself, then he lept up and bit me on the upper, inner thigh. My neighbor came out when she heard the shouting.

Q: Christ! What happened next?

A: She gave him a fucking chocolate drop! A fucking chocolate drop! What kind of message does that teach a dog? She said it was because he was frightened by my shouting and swearing, and I should flipping well hope he was. If you ever meet a German Shepard named Lazarus, then bite him on the upper, inner thigh for me because he deserves it.

Q:What forms of medically recommended treatment are you receiving?

A: N/a

A Dog that looks a lot like Lazarus. Admittedly more in mood than appearance.

Scaredy Pat

Woooooh! It's the Friday before Halloween, which means that the spooks will be out tonight! Don't be scared though, as Rabid Celeb News will be operating normally over this, the most makarbrer of seasonal holidays except Ghostmas. Today it's just a quickie, and perhaps ironically, it's Robert Pattison.

Pattison star of the Twilight film franchise and two time winner of the MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss, may come across as a broody goth, but the rumour mill has ground his image into a fine flour an spat out bread that claims that his image may be just that, an image! It seems that the new Bella Lugosi of Hollywood is a complete and utter scaredy cat! The star who got his grimy little hands on Executive Producer for the second twilight film cannot stand the time of year, claiming on his blog:

"I just hate it. I look outside my massive house an I see a little ghost and I don't know whether it's a kid in a costume or the genuine article. One time I thought I saw the devil but it was just some fungus growing on a tree, and another time a cat winked at me and I think it might have been magical, so I'm no stranger to the darker side of nature, but there are some things I just can't explain. Ghosts, monsters, mummys, the wolf-man, all of them terrify me because they just cant be explained by conventional science, but also crop circles, the theme tune from The Adam's Family, and pickpockets."

So girls, if you are thinking of sneaking up and trying to grab a kiss or a bit of a grope from the hunk of the moment, you might want to think twice about sneaking up on him.

Robert Pattinson after being told a knock knock joke, the punchline to which was "Ghost"

Getting In The Sack (Getting Sacked)

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Chamillionaked

For the second hit of !Hot Celeb News! of the day, we turn to two topics of the night, homegrown pornography and urban rap music.

It seems like renegade rap artist, Chamillionaire has taken out a court injunction, forcing a slew of online contacts from distributing erotic images showing him in a number of compromising positions. The Washington born rapper obtained widespread success in 2005 with The Sound of Revenge, an album title which would prove to be ominously prophetic. With his backwards-baseball-becapped face plastered all over the music channels, it was only a matter of time before Chamillionaire (real name Hakeem 'Chamillionaire' Seriki) had to face up to his past, and it has finally come crashing down on him like a ton of crashing bricks.

Mainstream media outlets have been banned and gagged from revealing the details of the case, but this blogger has it on good authority that the multi-chamillionaire has a past pock-marked with and addiction to the distribution of lewd photos starring himself.

"He loved it, he did it all the time. He'd come on msn and next thing you know, ba-da-bump, Chamillionaire is inviting you to start viewing webcam and you'd accept and BAM. Filth."

Another of his victims refused to comment on the exact nature of a series of fourteen photographs sent to her in the autumn of 2003, but did say:

"I don't want to give the game away, but think thumbs and an arse."

It looks like its not only his seminal mainstream breakthrough single from 2006 that involves "Riding Dirty!" Chamillionaire's third studio album 'Venom' will be released next year.

Buyer Beware

Double your pleasure, double your fun because today Rabid Celeb News has a double-dose of steaming hot celebrity rumour for you to swallow! Like meals, you want one in the morning and one before bedtime so here's the first of today's !Hot Celeb Rumours! and if it isn't our old friend Noel Edmunds.

That's right, the beardy weirdy star has about has been bested at his own game by a Nigerian Ebay scam. The Ebay, an online auction house, allows users to buy anything from dog-tranquillisers to expired medicinal products from Chechnya. Edmunds was 'gotchad' by a seller promising three brand new mac computers for a poultry sum of three hundred pounds. Famously frugal Edmunds has never been one to resist a deal and snapped up the computers like they were going out of hot cakes, but on delivery of the dosh Edmunds was horrified to find that the deal featured small print. The products in question were fiendish photocopied photos! The scammers were selling pictures of mac computers for one hundred pounds each! Friends of the big-hand, little-hand presenter claim that he doesn't like it when the shoe is on the other foot, and suggest that he made a series of 'racially insensitive' comments regarding Nigerians, as well as a number of implications of a Jewish conspiracy regarding Ebay, Paypal and the Internet as a whole. Edmunds, who obtained fame and fortune as the host of ITV nobrow Saturday night comedy show, Beadle's About, is said to be raking it in despite a global recession. Well Noel, perhaps you should have spent some of it on glasses to read that small print! This blogger suggests that you frame those photographs of mac computers, and hang them on your wall as a reminder of your foolishness. Then you can tell them "you've been framed!"

Girls Allowed (To get rabies!)

Welcome to the first post of Rabid Celeb News, the online blog that isn't afraid to tell the truth about all the celebrities out there and what they're REALLY getting up to.

Today's top !HOT CELEB TOPIC! Cheryl Cole!

This intrepid young blogger was waiting at the clinic to receive diagnosis of a dog-bite related infection, obtained whilst in pursuit of !HOT CELEB NEWS! when who should come out of the doctors office other than former Girls Aloud star Cheryl 'Beryl' Cole! It seems that malaria isn't the only infectious disease to strike down the X-factor Judgette this year, Cheryl may also be suffering from rabies! Lock your doors, close the windows and baton down the hatches because the last thing you want is to contract rabies and have to make the choice between a series of painful injections or a slow decline into mental illness and infection. Believe me! (I chose the latter) The infection could perhaps be down to the stress caused by the lady pop-stars recentish split from football crazy footballer Ashley Cole, or it might have been caused by an animal bite containing the rabies virus. Lesser Celeb columns asked just how long it would be before the good-lookingish Cole was swept off her feet and into bed by another handsome celebrity, but this could throw a spanner in the works for Cheryl (27), and she may find herself having to Fight For This Love because nothing puts off potential dates like a torrent of Messy Little Raindrops frothing at your mouth infected with the rabies virus!

Other news this week:

Lady Gaga a test-tube baby? Apparently so!

Robbie Williams might be gay? Allegedly!

Bernie Mac died last year or maybe the year before? Nobody told me!