Here at RabidCelebNews, we (I) Like to keep things lighthearted. You log on to read about the mischievous antics of Hollywood's elite, and we provide. Today, however, we have a story that is less lite, starring one of the most celebrated musical performers of the millennium. He has served as an inspiration to artists all over the globe, has amassed a vast number of musical accolades, and has been hailed as a musical genius by fans and critics alike. I speak, of course, of Richard Blackwood.
Blackwood rose to famedom through the rise of R&B within the united kingdom, releasing a number of dance-floor-fillers, before moving on to some light presenting work and hosting charity events. Whilst Blackwood hasn't been in the press much recently, he is still an active voice in charity work, and holds a key position at Warstondon! - The Lowerstondon Warhammer Appreciation Club. People described Blackwood as the quiet sort, that is, until a bomb was sent to his house in the post!
Fear not however, Blackwood is fine. This is not a story of celebrity death, but a tale of Celeb Madness Gone Wrong! You see, gentle reader. There was no bomb! One member of Warstondon told us:
"We were all captivated at first! A bomb threat in Lower Stondon! Can you imagine? But soon, inconsistencies appeared in his story. It was little things at first, when he told me about it, Richard was wearing slippers and Pj's when he found the envelope on his doormat. When he told Bob and Archie, he was in his jogging bottoms and a new pair of Adidas trainers cause he'd just been for a run. Then he told them that he got the new Adidas trainers from his nan who lives in America and nobody in England had even seen them before. When Archie asked to see them, Blackwood stumbled and said that he'd forgotten, but he had thrown them in a river in a temporary fit of self-loathing. Anyone who knows Richard knows there aint no self-loathing there!"
This was not the only inconsistency in the story however. The more times Blackwood regaled the locals of Lower Stondon, the more grandiose the story became. What started out as an unmarked envelope soon became a large box with a ticking coming from inside. By lunchtime it was a huge black ball with a skull and cross bones on the front and a hissing fuse. By dinner, Blackwood claimed he had been forced to chase ninjas down Lower Stondon high street after finding them rigging a nuclear bomb at 10 Downing Street to blow up the President of America.
"I wanted to believe Richard," another member of Warstondon told us. "His heart is in the right place, but by the time he was chasing ninjas, people were openly mocking him. I'm head of the neighbourhood watch, and I said we could check the camera footage to answer the matter once and for all. Richard got very quiet after that, then explained that we probably wouldn't be able to see him or the ninjas on the security feed, as they were running faster than the speed of light. After much umming and aahing, I didn't even check the cameras."
So why would Richard Blackwood fake an assassination attempt? It boggles the mind. Literally, the guy must be nuts. This blogger's opinion? Perhaps old Rich is just lonely. If you see him out and about, shoot him a smile, tell him to have a nice day, and wish him luck chasing down those rogue ninja nuclear terrorists that run faster than the speed of light. He'll thank you for it. See you later for part two.
R&B star? Sure! If R&B stands for Richard&Bullshitting!
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